Voices from the Past

The author, with his mother and wife, displaying
his considerable diplomatic skills


“I Know How to Get the U.S. Out of Iraq”

By Harry Houdini (deceased)

It seems everyone these days has a plan for how to get the U.S. out of Iraq. Pull everyone out immediately, say some. No, say others, we’ve got to stay the course. We’ve got to talk to Iran and Syria, say some. No, say others, those guys support terror. Let’s back the Shiites, say some. No, the Sunnis are the key, say others. Idiots and nincompoops, the lot of them. They don’t know the first thing about escaping from dangerous situations. I bet Stephen Hadley couldn’t even get out of a pair of handcuffs on dry land, let alone suspended by the feet in a Chinese Water Torture Cell. I am the one with the greatest experience in these kinds of escapes. I know how to get the U.S. out of Iraq.

You might be asking yourself: “Didn’t that guy die, like, a long time ago? What help could he possibly offer us in this difficult modern geopolitical quagmire?” I would suggest you take a look at the people trying to solve this problem right now. Have you seen Henry Kissinger lately? Or James Baker, for that matter? They’re both one subpoena away from kicking the bucket. Those guys probably came to see me perform back in the Twenties – with their grandchildren. Alright, you’re saying, but what does Harry Houdini know about Iraq? It was just a three-part British mandate broken off of the Ottoman Empire after World War I when he died in 1926. For goodness sake the Hashemite Kingdom of Faisal, which was eventually overthrown by the army in 1958 leading to a period of chaotic leadership resolved by Saddam Hussein’s seizure of total power in 1979, wouldn’t even be established for another six years! What could the old Houdini know about Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds, insurgent attacks, theocratic politics and oil revenue? Well I’ll tell you what I do know about: getting out of tough jams. In that spirit, I present these three points of advice for today’s leaders.

Number One: It’s All in the Name. You’ve got to distract everyone with fancy names. Do you know what my real name was? Ehrich Weiss. A lot of Jew, not very much magician. So I changed it to Harry Houdini. And thus a brilliant career ensued. We need to show the world what we’re really trying to do there. The “U.S. Army” doesn’t really emphasize the reason why we have all those troops there -- to liberate the people of Iraq, and with the “U.S.” stuck in there it sounds too imperialist. It should be renamed the “People’s Liberation Army”. I think that really covers all the bases.

Number Two: Maximize your Strengths and Minimize your Weaknesses. Ask yourself, what is the U.S. good at? Showmanship. Americans are the ultimate entertainers. We should bring all the local and regional leaders to a huge international conference where they will be inundated with live stage shows, talking-picture movies with beautiful women, and a smorgasbord of American culinary delicacies. Then they will be so satiated that they will agree to whatever we offer. And as for our weakness? We are obviously not very good at military occupation, so we should end that as soon as possible.

Number Three: Always Have a Fail-safe Exit Strategy. I guess it’s a little late for that one. But I hope you have all taken what I’ve said to heart. I do have to end this session now as my spirit is being called into a séance with a certain desperate high-ranking government official whose name may or may not rhyme with Gondoleeza Mice. Just remember this: the United States of America is a great country which stands up for all that is decent and democratic in this world of chaos. Or at least it was.